Our Baby Journey

I've been wanting to write about our journey for awhile now but never really knew how to start and where to take it or even if it was something I was ready to share. But as I look at my sleeping babies and my heart swells up with such love and pride I know it's something that deserves to be told.

Our family and close friends already know what it has been like the past 3 years with trying to start a family and have children but I want to write this to my babies who someday may read it and know just how much we wanted them and how hard their Daddy and I worked on making our family happen.

David and I got married September 10, 2011 and even before that we decided that it was time to start trying to get pregnant. In July of the same year I figured well if I get pregnant before the wedding I won't even be showing yet and I should still fit in my dress. And how awesome would it be to announce at the wedding that we were pregnant. It would be such great timing cause everyone we love and cherish would all be in one place and could hear the great news together. Our wedding came and went and still no positive pregnancy test. I just figured it was no big deal and it was probably just the stress from the wedding planning and that we would probably get pregnant once the hype from the wedding was over.

Our honeymoon to Jamaica was in October and I figured this is it, how "romantic" would it be if we were to go on our honeymoon and come home pregnant!!! The following month  I had no doubt that the test would come back positive. I even had it planned out in my head I would take the test and buy a onesie that said Hi Daddy on it and show it to Dave when he got home. I took the test and was almost convinced it was wrong when it said not pregnant. So I waited a few days and took another...nothing.

This happened every month for three years. Month after month buying tests, having hope and wondering why this was happening! Before I had thought getting pregnant was easy. People do it all the time...even on accident and not trying. So how is it possible that we are doing everything right and still nothing is happening. We talked to a few family members, close friends and even a doctor and they said "your timing is off", "your stressing too much", "it will happen when it's supposed to happen"... all of this made me think nothing was wrong. I'm not really sure why we waited so long to go get help. Maybe the fear of the unknown, the denial of thinking that something could actually be wrong and of course the reality of what if we can never have children?

Finally we got our minds together and I was determined to be pregnant by the end of 2013. So we went in June to CNYFC, that's Central New York Fertility Center in Syracuse. They explained all that they they do from minimal intervention such as medications to the extreme IVF (Invitro fertilization). I remember as they were explaining the IVF process to us I interrupted the nurse and explained to her that I was certain we didn't need to hear the steps in IVF because again I was in denial of just how much help we needed. And besides, the cost of what IVF was I was really hoping that all we needed was some medications and voila like magic...a baby!!! David and I had to go through testing and lab work and a procedure where they make sure there are not any blockages. As this is happening over the course of a few weeks all I can think is I hope it's me, I hope I'm the reason why we can't get pregnant. I didn't want it to be David. I felt like I could handle it better if it was me. I didn't want that burden on him. Our results came back and I was 100% in the clear. No blockages, no health issues and fertile as they come. But David's results came back... it was what we both had wished to not happen. He had something that's about 15 letters long that I cannot even pronounce. But basically it's low count, low motility and misshapen sperm. For sperm to be considered successful you need to have a count of 20 million+ and for an oval head and strong tail. David had less than 1 million and was shaped round. So even if they made it to the egg they did not have the ability to penetrate it. The Dr's explained that this was something that was decided on as he was a fetus and was nothing that was done by habits or by nature. So it was something that he had before he was even born. There's no fixing it, there's no making it better and there's definitely no babies produced with it.

Mind blown! Both of us were devastated. But in our strong pursuit we asked what our options were. This was not going to prevent us from having children. This was just a road bump. Success on our own was less than 1%, medications would have done nothing, IUI ( Intrauterine insemination) would give us only a 2-3% chance of success and IVF would give is a 40-50% chance. And that's better than nothing! So that's what we decided. IVF or bust!

On Thanksgiving I had to start my medications to produce a bunch of eggs so they Dr's could pick the strongest ones to use. 10 days of stabbing myself in the stomach with 3 needles a night. It actually wasn't that bad. I had never given myself a needle and thought it was going to be terrible but I think the hope of what the outcome could be pushed me through it every time. After the 10 days we went back to CNYFC and they retrieved 13 eggs. 11 eggs were strong enough to be fertilized, 8 eggs actually made it through fertilization and 6 made it through the 5 day test. So we now had 6 embryos that were able to be transplanted back. We went on December 14th for the transfer and decided to have 2 embryos put back in hopes that 1 would stick. We knew twins was a possibility and even discussed that it may be better if it was twins because we knew we wanted more than one child and probably wouldn't have enough financially to do IVF again. So we were happy with 2 transferred.

And there they were, our two babies who would be our Willow & Remington. I've looked at this picture 100 times during the 10 day wait to find out if either had decided to implant themselves. These two cells were all I could think about. 10 days is a lifetime when your waiting to see what your future will be!

On Dec 22nd I could not wait any longer. I took a test a day earlier than they said because the excitement was too much to hold in! When I told David he thought I was lying! So I went and took another one and again it said Pregnant!!!

On Dec 23rd we went back to CNYFC. They drew some blood and said we will call you in 2-3 hours. Oh geesh 2-3 more hours! How could I possibly wait another minute! I had taken the two tests the day before but wasn't going to rely fully on that. And I had wondered if 1 or both had implanted. Finally we got the call. YOUR PREGNANT!!! And with your counts being so high we believe you are pregnant with twins! That was the best phone call I will ever receive!

I got my wish. I was pregnant before 2013 was over. Boy are we such procrastinators!

Remington =)

Willow =)

I wasn't sure if I wanted to share our story mainly because I didn't want peoples opinions, judgement and beliefs. And because I was not the one with the fertility issue it was not my place to be sharing. Some think intervening in the way nature was intended is wrong, some think poorly on IVF cause they've read a story about how it didn't work or something wrong happened. These opinions I didn't want to hear. I knew eventually I would open up about our journey but I wanted to wait until they were born. Until people could see their sweet faces and know just how much David and I wanted a family. Some may think we took the easy way out by having this procedure done. That we cheated or took a shortcut. But what I say to them is there is nothing easy about any of it. It was a long hard road of doubt, fear, and worries. And every minute of it was worth it!

So there it is. Our journey. One I have realized that a lot of people have to take. I never knew just how many people are having problems with fertility until I myself started to open up and talk about it. It's not as simple for some as it is for others. Some don't get their family the "old fashioned" way. Some have to take a detour. Our detour was amazing and I would do it all over again!

Newborn Pics!

I believe that my babies are the cutest I have ever seen. I know every parent says that but really...are they not the cutest babies ever!!

Babies are here!!!!

So where to begin...It's been such a whirlwind for the past 4 weeks and just now I am able to put my thoughts together and post an update. I'll start by sharing how it all happened.

 It was a normal day I went to work just like any other day not knowing in a few short hours life was going to change.  July 10th Thursday morning 12:45 am as I am sleeping I feel a warm rush of water, thinking I peed myself I jump out of bed and wonder could I really have done that and not even known?! I thought I had better control of my bladder than that! Geesh! But as I stand up another rush of water came and like a smack in the face it hit me...my water just broke! Fear rushed over me knowing I was only 32 weeks that it was way too early for this to be happening. I ran downstairs to the bathroom trying to convince myself that I had in fact peed and it was not my water breaking that was causing all of this. But another smack came in the form of another rush of water.

 I woke up my husband and said "Honey, I think my water just broke". I wish I had a camera on him cause his reaction was movie worthy! He jumped up rubbing his eyes and said "Are you serious, what do we do?"
Just as in shock as him I call the hospital and ask them if I should come in, they say "yes get here now".
I can say with those words I was almost instantly put into the realization that this was happening and there was no way of controlling what was about to happen.

The whole car ride to the hospital my husband and I did not say a word to each other. I think we were both trying to process what this all meant. Most twins never make it to 40 weeks as we were aware but 32 weeks was way too early and at our ultrasound we had the week before we knew Remington only weighed 3 lbs 13 ounces and Willow was 4 lbs 7 ounces. The thought of such small babies had me worried. Also wondering if everything was fully developed. Their lungs, their brain, their digestive system. The car ride was only 45 minutes which normally it would take an hour and 15 minutes but even with it shortened down due to being so early in the morning, the car ride felt like the longest one I would ever take.

Once we got to the hospital Dr. Cassagnol prepared me by telling me that preterm labor usually yielded babies whose lungs are not fully developed and this could be risky. So first he gave me a steroid shot to try to mature their lungs faster and then he gave me pills to try to stop my labor. The steroid shots needed at least 24 hours to be able to work so he was hoping we could hold off for that long. And not being dilated at all and have a closed cervix gave us hope that we could prolong it for a day.

Getting texts and phone calls out to family at 2 am is a hard thing to do. Wanting to tell them but not wanting to scare them was tough. When the phone rings that early in the morning it's usually never a good thing. We told them what was going on and with each person we talked to I could hear the concern and fear in their voice. It was concern not only for the babies but for David & I. They all knew what we had gone through to get here and they were worried for us. Because no parent wants to sit there and think what if this is it, what if there's nothing we can do and it all goes wrong.

Fast forward to 5 p.m. the contractions were bad, the pain was unbearable. Crying is something I can't even remember the last time I've done but not this day! Cause that crap hurt!!!!! My family and husband sat there with me as I cried and moaned and tried to get myself in a position where everything didn't hurt. HAH no such luck there! One word...EPIDURAL!!!! Best thing invented! Enough said! After the epidural around 8 p.m. I feel like it all happened so fast. I could still feel the contractions but they were minimal. A strong feeling of pressure and discomfort but nothing I lay and cried over. Everyone but my husband had gone home and it was nice that way because David and I got to sit with each other and focus on how life was about to change!

It was now 10:20 p.m and the Operating Room was prepped for me and they were wheeling me in. Most women just give birth in their rooms if they are going naturally but with being preterm twins they wanted me in the Operating Room just in case they had to do emergency surgery. As a first time mother I had no clue how to push, no idea on how this was supposed to play out. But let me tell ya...your body is amazing and talks you through everything. It almost does it on it's own and you assist as it does what it was intended to do and that is give life.

1 hour and 8 minutes after being wheeled into the Operating Room I heard the cries of my little boy, Remington David. There was no question if his lungs were strong cause he was just screaming as loud as he could! I couldn't see much as my glasses were foggy from the oxygen mask I was wearing but I could see his left hand, his tiny fingers all grayish blue. They look like E.T's fingers. Long and skinny. They picked him up to rush him into the NICU and I that's when I seen how small he was and I starting bawling. I've never seen a baby so small...how was he going to be okay?!

It was now after 11:30 and I was thinking ohhh my god! I have to do that all over again! Time to start pushing for Willow. I was pushing so hard I thought my eyeballs were going to pop out. I was trying to have her born before midnight so her and her brother would share the same birthday. It wasn't until 11:58 that I let myself be okay with knowing that was not going to happen. Little Miss Diva decided she wanted her own birthday!

At 12:25 a.m I felt life come alive for the second time. Willow Grace was here and was screaming as hard as she could and I felt a weight lift off of me with the sound of her sweet voice.

Both were born, both were breathing and both were already so loved.